Tuesday, March 25, 2008


In my store, they piss pretty much wherever they want.

We still don't know how this particular guy went about his, um, business, without being seen (until it was too late to do anything). We do know, however, that impulse control was not one of his strong suits. We also know who he is, because we caught the whole show on CCTV.

Here's what he did.

He unzipped his trousers, and dug through the many layers that most homeless guys seem to wear year round, even in a warm climate during a temperate spring. When he found what he was looking for--that is to say, his penis--he pulled it out and proceeded to urinate on an entire fixture of CDs. This was in the World Music section; his stream took out mostly Middle Eastern music. Now, we don't know for sure if he had an antipathy to the Middle East. Perhaps he was just doing his part to fight the good fight against terrorism.

Then again, maybe he was insane.

Whatever his imperative, we lost an entire fixture of music, and a brave, indomitable supervisor had to don the hazmat suit and clean up the mess.

We don't have a restroom in my store. Yes, that could be part of what contributes to the I-piss-on-thee sentiment of some of our customers. But you should have seen the stuff that happened in that restroom when it was open.

There was the time a trio--it was two boys and a girl--took turns having sex with each other (all combinations, as far as we know) while the third held the door shut.

There were discarded needles in the garbage can, there was shit smeared all over the walls, there were fixtures pulled clean off the walls.

So we closed the restrooms.

At one point, a grassroots protest to our lack of restrooms arose, one which took the form of peeing in the elevator.

So we ripped out the carpet in there and lay down linoleum in its place. Much easier to clean, although we did recently lose an entire cardboard dump of paperback Da Vinci Code that was in the elevator when somebody chose to use it as a pissoir.

I didn't think it was that great of a book, either.


JLR said...

As I was there for the momentous closing of the restrooms and the aftermath which followed, can I just say that I still have nightmares about that bathroom!

There was of course was the time in response to not having an available restroom that a man grabbed a cup from the cafe and had his young daughter pee in it, in the corner of the cafe to the horror of on lookers. I was close to calling child services on that man.

There was also the time when I myself had to clean the crap aftermath of "Olive" the homeless handicap lady with the walking braces. Let's just say she couldn't really sit properly on the toilet and all her excrement somehow found it's way everywhere it shouldn't be. Sometimes when I'm having a sandwich my mind floats back to the cleanup effort and immediately I am no longer hungry.

So many stories to tell....... I could go on forever. Believe it or not, I miss those days. I am now an expert on feces removal!

Rebecca Glenn said...

When I took over as GM--February of 2002--the restrooms had been unofficially closed for some time, so any tales I have of misbehavior in the restrooms are secondhand. (BTW--did we work together?). I did, however, oversee the official closing of the restrooms, and it was quite the ordeal. How many times did I field the "It's illegal for you not to have a restroom" argument? Too many to count.

Yes, I miss those times, too.

Shawn said...

Wow. Now I don't feel like Torrance's is that bad

Rebecca Glenn said...

Yes, our customers in Santa Monica were, well, special. Not as precious as our Torrance customers (Josh, Joyce), but definitely special.